Burrowing deep within seeking solace and communion with my deepest self. Aching to be held like a sister and heard by one who knows me best; only to discover in this we are both lost and more than a little sad. A taste of beauty led to intoxicated obliviousness. My words honest and loving, causing inadvertent pain where it is not needed. No blame is issued. I should withdraw but my selfish longing begs me ‘no’. The sky is bright but my soul darkened. Ultimately frustrated with my inability to transform the immovable. Seeking impossible dreams, impossible answers obscure vision. Around and around swirling beneath the crashing storm tide seeking breath and clarity. Exhausted, crawling toward the consolation of solid ground unsure if I still know myself, unsure if this physical ‘she’ is real or a false version, an ‘emptiness’ with no substance, no words of comfort, no truth to offer. A day of doubt hoping tonight’s dreaming and dawns sweet light will illuminate and allow forgiveness to enter my self-inflicted quandary of truth.
“By effort and heedfulness, discipline and self-mastery, let the wise one make for himself an island which no flood can overwhelm.” Buddha
To ‘be sure’ seems an absolute immutable idea yet is it not changeable, to some degree mercurial? Do our thoughts not evolve as we progress through time and space? In an impossible situation we must chose the path that feels most right and stay constant until the next choice presents. Doubt is a painful companion, poisonous and antithesis to unity of the self. We move through our lives encountering synchronous and serendipitous meetings. At times it feels as though we are in control and at others that we are a falling leaf caught in a whirlwind of chance. Is there an orchestration to all of this wonder and calamity? In this changeable world how can we ‘be sure’ of anything? We cleave to our piece of flotsam as we travel within the flood of humanity seeking connections to ourselves, to others that feel substantial and hope that the impossible will one day be a truth. We live in a world of paradoxes and to be content is to balance the subtlety between these paradoxes and build an island where the floodwaters cannot breach. Not to remain isolated but to remain true to the self, allowing change to occur but not being overwhelmed by external influence. Yet, sometimes despite best efforts to be a good person ‘you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t’ are the only options available.
Two musical options: