With a final long rumble of thundering skies the sun has returned to the sky, a sea of droplets upon the world become prisms, star bursts in daylight. After several days the storm has passed; stillness falls upon the world as the living creatures emerge blinking in the dazzling sunlight to see the changed world.
What has changed within me? The storms passing leaves me frustrated. All that rain and opportunity to be inside crafting words I have not been able to, a forced silence that irritates my soul. Issues to solve that have been impossible and remain so. But now finally I sit in the sun with manuscript in hand to begin again.
Forgive my absence here but I will return, momentarily with a sated soul, for now I immerse in my written world.
When every gesture is wrong, every act of love seen falling short, the suffocation of disappointment crushes me. When nothing is right all is greeted with frustration and ambivalence the hurt weights my light spirit. When all that I am, the gift of love I offer, the beauty of myself is not enough where then do I turn? Heaviness weighs me down, grounded; my spirit does not soar today.
Fullness in my heart, magic tingling across my skin. A blissful day today. Simple pleasures provide a rich joy in life, a joy that carries me through the longing. I can imagine a future where my dreams & goals will be achieved. Patience is a virtue … even when frustration threatens to drown my thoughts with emotion, or perhaps particularly then.
I noticed today that my inner child has curled up away from the world, my playfulness guarded with wary somber, interactions clothed in cautious mistrust, my sexuality hidden beneath plated armor. In my everyday life I have closed a part of me away dousing my usual vibrancy, cheeky wit and natural smile. Is this the result of the ending of my 2013? Or a general malaise born of frustration in my nine to five that houses, feeds and clothes but does nothing for my creative desires? I hold deep sadness in my heart an unsounded loss that I quail at, longing for something on the tip of my tongue but unable to give voice or articulacy. It rumbles disconsolately and now, as I take pause, forms shape; mortality sensed, regret pours in, glimpsed half thoughts ignored unite creating a cohesive image. I feel my age, I see life’s potential ending and know I have regret. I want greater meaning and honesty, I want a life of my own. It is time to shake my tresses free of the mundane and let my soul stretch and bathe in imaginations light.
I will start, as I always do when serious about something, with a list.
The world is changed. Look for me in the sunlight dancing on the lakes surface; feel me in the wind softly, subtly caressing your skin, taste me as the spice in the deepest of red wines. Know that I am beside you regardless of distance. We have all been betrayed. Cheated, lied to. I ache, I am lonely, I wish to be all I can. How do we express honesty? But to profess truth and hope, cleave to trust.
I, my beloved, I differ from your past. I offer truth. Does the past not feel this implication too?
A journey towards Christmas with Errant…
I offer musical suggestion for I am all out of words today. It was not pleasant yet I seek the beauty…