I lost a friend yesterday: Maestro, hermano, amigo, I will miss you but never forget your beautiful smile and presence that even when ravaged with illness burned brighter than many I know with full health. I will see you on the dance floor again Maestro, one day when my time here is done.
Perdí a un amigo ayer: Maestro, hermano, amigo, le echaré de menos, pero nunca olvidaré su sonrisa hermosa y presencia que aun cuando devastado con la enfermedad se quemó más brillante que muchos sé con la salud llena. Voy a hasta la vista en la pista de baile otra vez el Maestro, un día cuando mi tiempo aquí es hecho.
My soul dove, eyes wide open, fearless from cliff of doubt to find truth had changed between when climb began to the fall. Gravity cannot be defied regardless of fervent wish. I dove embracing spirit of a beloved, with understanding long craved, but fell alone. Nothing has changed but a sweet glimpse of possibility. Courage waxes and wanes, ‘love’ waxes and wanes but the self is, mutable yes, yet constant companion. I can never be alone in my own company. Offering tears to the sweet sunset I reach for the deeper ‘Love’, beloved that will never be lost. Some of us are meant to be alone with our spirit. A lone life of service, of love and beauty…
Today I was given a new artwork. One of my oldest friends made me a street sign, to be exact a ‘hazard’ sign it reads: ‘SURRENDER’. Do they know how true this is? The irony makes me cry and smile at the same time. Had I known before, would I change who I am? Not a chance.
Where do I place my passion? Where can I open my heart, open my complex wings and let my soul express itself? Who can meet me? I either terrify or enamour those within my presence. My human skill soothes but all else of me terrifies. The dissidence of my existence; I have suffered, found the love of self, my beauty and now I am terrible in my stillness. Some karma it is that follows me. Heavy footprints echo into history beyond tolling to remind that I might be dangerous as I smile with all my compassionate will, and pain rains down. Innocence long left me, I cleave to it, drown me with passion with delight I would never willingly harm anyone… I think of the mouse that my cat brought home last night and was teasing, my heart was breaking so I stole the creature from her grasp, held her gently within my palm spoke softly while her tiny heart found quietude as I soothed her with voice, breath and a single finger stroking her to calm. I released her into the neighbours garden only when I knew she was ready, she was reluctant to leave the comfort of my palm. I have never met a human soul that would do the same for me. Perhaps this is not true, I forget. In the pain I forget. Release me; let me breathe… who finds me? Who knows me? Just when I feel free, truly myself I hit my Wonderwall.
I carry them within me, beneath my skin. Sensory experience stirs them and they awaken, pulsating thoughts rich with reminder. Eyes closing, breath stirred I tenderly hold the moment awoken beneath fluttering eyelids. Submerged inside, closed from the external I can feel them and clasp them quietly without witness. Can you see their palimpsest upon my skin? Does my history converse upon my body? Momentarily suspended the emphatic now is muted in contrast to then. Unfurling in stillness once again I am whole. They are forever lost to the present yet always carried within.
You have pierced my soul. Forever there will be an imprint of you within me. Sometimes I think you may eventually become a shadow with softened edges that might fade from my thoughts and memory but when I am honest with myself I know the truth; I will always hunger for you, I will always regret my choices. Foolish choices I had my chance and I, regardless of rational reasoning, I still walked away. I have to live with that and will always wish for a different ending. That we could rewrite our lives…
words and image by errant satiety (image potentially not understood without context, let me know if you would like explanation email@example.com)
Slipped beneath the grasp of my thoughts, my reach, and my heart. Gasping for the loss yet he is still here within me as alive and real as ever, yet not tangible, not authentic. Not able to speak outside my memory. There is nothing ‘new’ just repetition of the past, again and again. I ache but he does not feel anymore. I weep but he does not hold anymore. I speak but he does not hear anymore. I desire to share with you one last time. I promised you I would grow wings. I promised many things not knowing how soon you would no longer be here to laugh, to love to dream with me. Where do I find you? What inhospitable holy place can I climb to and find you will answer me? What impossible journey will find me within your embrace again? I know that there is none but one, which I know is not mine yet.