Fall

curl_by_schnitzelyne-d6rz86y

Curling.

An autumn leaf

Turns from cooling sun

Embracing essence

Hopeful of survival

Against seasonal odds

Brace against the embraceable

Contain the essence of self

Protect against harsh influence

Survive beyond thirst

Beyond potential comfort

Cling to breath

And blessing

Survive.

 

Words errant

images stolen from the internet

dance_in_the_shutter_IX_by_mehmeturgut

Change

about_change_by_mary_by-d6q7f0f

‘The hidden world has it’s clouds and rain, but of a different kind.

It’s sky and sunshine are of a different kind.

This is made apparent only to the refined ones – those not deceived by the seeming completeness of the ordinary world’

Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī (1207-1273)

As illusion or reality, or within the eye of the beholder, time is relative. Relative in the sense that how we experience it, from the subjective or objective self; or that other place referred to sometimes as the ‘observing self’*. From each of these places time differs. From each of these places the ability to learn, adapt and change differs.

From the objective self, that recognises the seemingly simple fact that the matter that makes up our unique form can interact with other matter, time is about measurable forces: It takes two minutes to brush the teeth in my gums in my mouth, I know the length of time my tea requires to infuse before removing the teabag and adding milk, sugar or cold water then calculating the measure of time before I attempt to consume the heated liquid to avoid harming my delicate  bodily form. It is formed from physical interactions and the memories of those interactions. This is our sensory self.

From the subjective self, somewhat less precise measurements appear. Emotion enters the frame which creates all manner of differing perspectives on time. Time to heal. Time to calm down. Time to catch the trout that eludes me. Time to write that poem that is on my mind. This kind of time is highly relative. We all need a different amount of time to manage, understand and come to terms with our emotions. This kind of time relates to our culture, our environment, our genes, our experiences, education, beliefs and morals… the list is perhaps in-exhaustive depending on the subjective consciousness of the ‘whom’ that writes it. This is our thinking, feeling, sensorial self.

From the observing self another kind of time entirely is engaged. What is the observing self? Since your birth your cells have died and regenerated. If we were entirely biological beings with no consciousness or ability to form lasting memory networks then we would not retain any sense of ‘I’. We may retain object consciousness on a basic survival level, fire equals potential harm therefore caution is required, but not retain a sense of ‘I am this particular being that holds memories and information pertaining to my subjective existence’. The observing self is a form of consciousness that overarches, or integrates, all of this. It is that I we enter sparingly, some more than others, that sees connections, knowledge, experience and emotion differently. This is our mystical self. The self that observes our subjective (and objective) self.

What real life application does these potentially esoteric observations offer? The ability for growth and change. The ability for intuitive moments and great leaps of consciousness and understanding. The opportunity of an experience beyond the immediate and potentially known ‘self’ within which to temper experience. A ‘place’ beyond the temporal, reaching into something much deeper; that which is called by many names (and religious/spiritual traditions) and is open to all to experience directly, exposing and developing their identity with something greater than any individual, the whole. The whole and our journey of our developmental and eventual evolutionary journey to become. Evolution# comes from small change. Perhaps beginning to understand ourselves provides greater opportunity for progression.

Words and thoughts by errant

*Arthur J. Deikman, M.D: ‘The Observing Self’ Beacon Press, Boston, 1982.

# Not to belittle or confuse this ‘sacred’ scientific word that usually relates to progression or adaptation of a species over many, many generations; not short samples of less than 1-3 generations

Image courtesy of biancamelite

Ear parcel 1: Radioactive; Imagine Dragons This is it, the apocolypse.

Ear parcel II: Sail AWOLNATION; but never kill yourself if you are a different breed…. in my opinion, no angel should die.

Ear parcel III: A somewhat more upbeat link; The Lumineers – Ophelia

If you are feeling alone, talk to someone here relative to your country; I am here, but limited by NZ timezone, I will always read and respond to your message but you have to give me 48hrs to get back to you, ok? Message me anyway.

 

 

 

Intimacy

intimacy_vol_2_by_dorry.jpg

To begin to describe another real human being, one would need to dive into the abyss, their abyss. It is so hard to find someone who may get who you are, even with the barest descriptors that can hardly reach the depth of the point. It is an almost unfathomable occurrence. When we do, it is so easy to compete, or misunderstand. Why is it so hard to hear and be heard? Is our ego as, or less, important as the comfort of being understood? Or is our need to be heard more important than our ego? What stands in the way of our ability to navigate the concept of what measure of risk of feeling the discomfort of vulnerabilty equals or outweights the potential reward of experiencing intimacy?

It might be, that those that raised us inadvertantly taught us some behaviours that are not conducive to productive relationships, be those intimate partners, or friendships or other relationships. It may well be that those that raised us inadvertantly provided us with some bad habits because we were vulnerable and impressionable children and our experiences coupled with the cultural expectations of our society became oddly mixed messages in our inner-most selves. It really, actually makes sense. As does knowing yourself as well as you can. Because being honest with your self, genuinely is the keystone to all relationships. Know thy self. Know, thy, self. We change, we outgrow ourselves faster than we have the chance to figure out who, we, are. And there is no other person on earth that you should know better. That is the ultimate failure in all relationships; not knowing oneself, yet expecting the other party to know who you are.

But how do we start an intimate conversation? Either with ourselves or others? I suggest we start with Arthur Aron’s list, lets use his list in an completely unintended way and answer the questions for ourselves… just for fun. I’ll go first:

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Oh my, doesn’t this depend upon sooooo many things!? What music is playing? What I have I had to drink? Whose company am I in? What are the rules? Must they be living or are the dead ok? I will answer from the right here, right now…

I would invite Iesous, I could invite Persian or Eastern philosphers or later philosphers, but in all honesty I would like to speak directly to Iesous, better known as Yeshua or Jesus. I have a lot of questions for him. He seems to have genuinely existed as an historical person, he obviously exists as a person of the highest Christian regard. I’d like to ask him how he feels, comparatively, about being called a Judaic rebel and all manner of things under the post-crucifixion sun. Yes, I’d quite like to have a chat with the man himself.

errant.

Ear parcel I: Alone Together, Chet Baker

Ear parcel II: Little Talks – of Monsters and Men

Image ‘intimacy vol.2’ courtesy of dorry on deviantart

 

 

Slip by

from_light_into_darkness_by_krzysztofjedrzejak-d6sztcj

I want you to slip past my defences. But this isn’t a storybook fantasy where you know what I need and I allow it all to happen because it is perfect. In order let you in, I must first know, really know what my defences are. Why do I block you with apparent indifference or casual aloofness? When that reaction does not reflect my desire for you to be as close as close can be, nor reflect my need to understand why you might want something that doesn’t sit right with me, that I have, oh so aloofly agreed too with questioning words burning in my throat. Questions that I turn over, this way and that way, finding bitter acceptance without risking the asking. I want you to slip past my defences but for that to happen, I need to be honest with myself, dismantle my defences that stifle me rather than keep me safe, then I can truly begin to allow you in.

canines_teeth_by_democreate-d5n77ih

My past gnaws at me in my dreams, dancing histories repeating, hinting at a path to change, if only the courage can be roused within.

Words: Errant Satiety

Earparcel (and explanation for said earparcel; the song, according to the writers, is about vulnerability, “It’s a song about an imaginary friend who’s gonna come and save you from yourself.” Noel Gallagher)

Image 1 

Image 2

Image 3

 

Wild Rose

Rose

My grandmother was named Rose, she lived in the wild and tamed three sons.

the_weeping_rose_by_koan72

“There was something about him that she wanted to learn, grow into, and hide in, where she could turn away from being an adult. There was some little waltz in the way he spoke to her and the way he thought.”

The English Patient, Michael Ondaatje.

Rose 1934

I promised to tell you how one falls in love.

The wild poem is a substitute

For the women one loves

Or ought to love,

One wild rhapsody

A fake for another

 

wild_rose_by_vulezvrk

“I believe this. When we meet those we fall in love with, there is an aspect of our spirit that is historian, a bit of a pedant who reminisces or remembers a meeting when the other has passed by innocently… but all parts of the body must be ready for the other, all atoms must jump in one direction for desire to occur.”
Michael Ondaatje, Author of The English Patient

 

Images:

  1. Featured image ‘Wild Rose’ by ideea on deviantart
  2. Image one: Rose and Eric courtesy of Errant Satiety
  3. Image two: ‘The Weeping Rose’ by KoAn72 on deviantart
  4. Image three: Rose and Eric’s best friend courtesy of Errant Satiety
  5. Image four: ‘Wild Rose’ by vulezvrk on deviantart

 

 

Limbering up.

routine_malaise_by_shesabromide-d3d5vzq

Stretching out of the silence, through the torpor, the ache, the awe… beginning to move toward the lyrical mind. There has been a enormous gulf that is impossible to fill, there is only one way to explore it…  and that is by being present, so once again, here I am.

words: errant satiety

images: Main image Routine Malaise; featured image photophobia both by ShesABromide on deviantart

He knows…

There have been a number of posts by gorgeous men in our wordpress community that have moved me deeply this past week or so … what to do but reblog/link to them with a song that feels fitting for me (I love the lyrics, it’s a little sad though). I love reading the male perspective of life, love and art. Each of these fine gentlemen have a unique and beautiful way of approaching their lives with potent love… in no particular order…

A Faded Romantic’s Notebook – ‘Lost in Translation’

Wuji Seshat Nibada – ‘Until His Chisel Bequeaths’

Mr. Modigliani – ‘Giving vs Taking’

Erik S Lehman – ‘That Sigh’

Richard Ankers – ‘Relentless’

 

 

 

 

 

Weight

When every gesture is wrong, every act of love seen falling short, the suffocation of disappointment crushes me. When nothing is right all is greeted with frustration and ambivalence the hurt weights my light spirit. When all that I am, the gift of love I offer, the beauty of myself is not enough where then do I turn? Heaviness weighs me down, grounded; my spirit does not soar today.

Discordance

Chaos the unexpected gregarious guest, demanding entry and entertainment. I know chaos leads to harmony, to growth and evolution. Dissonance humming in the atmosphere can be transformed to resonance, if only I can hear and feel the discordant notes and guide my wisdom to attune. I know, I commit to this process but can he? I do not know. Within the duet both must tune and hear. The solo, although difficult, differs to the duet. Compromise, empathy, willingness are all welcome guests at the round table of discussion. Down to the wire now, the bone, the make or break as chaos chuckles in the corner eyeing us like a malevolent yet benevolent hawk.

Some thoughts on Judgement

Warning, although this post does not contain sexually explicit material it does contain reference to BDSM terms that may offend some readers.

I caught up with a couple of friends last night. They were in town for a fetish social gathering. It was a lunch and drinks affair not a play session. I met them a few hours after their event. We caught up a little and then the conversation turned to kink. I wanted to know a little more about the group they meet with to see if perhaps this something I might like to get involved with. They clarified that they personally weren’t into D/s (that would be annoying she says) just BDSM kink. I had noticed that she was covered in a lot more scars than ever before. These were explained when she said that bondage with rope etc was too boring for them that they are into ‘cutting and fucking’. In my head I am thinking; ‘well they seem happy and apart from the scars which she is wearing with pride that seem to have healed cleanly, there is no visual cue for concern’. This is not something I am even vaguely interested in but they are so I listen without judgement. They talked a little about managing their scenes and told a couple of humorous stories. Then they notice the attention I am getting from men around us. Excitedly, she says ‘you could totally get picked up’ he agrees noting each of the men who have expressed interest. ‘Except I am happy with my man.’ I say and she rolls her eyes, he laughs derisively, ‘Really? Don’t you get bored? You deserve some fun’. Monogamy doesn’t suit these two I know they have an open relationship but I am surprised that they are encouraging me to cheat. They know my man and consider him family. They push this point rather too hard and clearly think I am a prude. They talk about other fet couples they know, in the local group, and their D/s relationships and I realise that they all seem to have a very different view to my own. They are talking about blame and how the submissive is always wrong even when they are not. I want to explore this statement, as it doesn’t sit right with me. I might be new to this and only entering D/s in a soft way but I still have some clear ideas about what D/s is to me. I brave the rough waters and state: ‘I think both submissive and Dominant need to know when they have done wrong, if my Dominant blamed me for everything it would compromise the trust between us. I see D/s as about being open and honest with each other including the Dominant owning his shit.’ (Like every relationship D/s or not.) They think about this for a while and come back with references that don’t really make sense in this context. I accept that we are on different planets and that a deep and meaningful discussion is obviously not going to happen at this point. We part with hugs and I walk away having learned something about them and myself. I felt really judged by them and their eye rolling attempts to push me in a direction I have no interest in. I am surprised that with their kink interests that they would judge me in this way. I had gone to meet them being more willing than in the past to engage in discussion about D/s, kink, & BDSM but have realised that my initial conclusion about them is true, for them kink & BDSM is an important pastime in theirs lives, they refer to this as ‘the lifestyle’ but it is their version, a lifestyle, it’s not mine and I would never push them into something else or judge them as being lesser for it. I hope they don’t really judge me for my lifestyle, but if they do, well that’s their shit.

Thinking about this situation and the feeling of being judged makes me think about whether or not I judge others and how I manage this. For me it is empathy that enables me to not judge, I can imagine their position, why they are the way they are and somehow come to a place of reconciliation and acceptance. I am not perfect and I am irritated by people’s behaviour at times but I choose not to judge them but rather seek to understand their behaviour (and vice versa if my behaviour irritates someone else then I ask why am I behaving this way with them?). It is hard sometimes to witness someone engaging in behaviour that you feel is unacceptable. Or to be on the receiving end of unacceptable behaviour and realise that the other person doesn’t see any harm (or carry any guilt) in what they are doing. Then I think it comes down to something else, not judgement, more about trust being lost. When someone treats you badly and expects nothing to have changed between you? That someone is no true friend or acquaintance and you have to be sure to protect yourself by withdrawing trust. If someone in your life makes some bad decisions that end up with someone or multiple someone’s feeling betrayed? That again is about trust. Choosing whether or not to support their bad decisions is about making a judgement call that may lead to withdrawing trust. They are no longer who you thought they were and although the relationship may yet be saved you know them differently and may be wary for some time. You can still support them, if you feel so inclined, but I think you have to be clear about your moral or personal standpoint, not judging them (or perhaps there is a little judgement involved) but being clear and sharing where the line is for you. It is up to them whether they wish to discuss their point of view and if they wish to change their personal ‘line’. I don’t like feeling as though someone sees my choices as ‘wrong’ and attempts to push their view onto me. I think that is just rude. I would hope that I don’t do this to anyone else and after last night will be working to ensure that I never do. Sharing points of view and agreeing to agree or disagree is what I would rather experience, not feeling as though I am being judged and that my point of view is ‘pathetic’. One thing is for sure; I do not feel the slightest inclination to join the local group. Although I will reserve final judgement on that until I have met more representatives of the group first hand.