Rich in dreams I wander between worlds. I am your morning, you my evening. I am your tomorrow, you my yesterday. A gentleness descends upon my shoulders, unbidden sadness awakes within my heart. Opposing seasons between the hemispheres and I long for the company of one I have never met. To sit and talk, sharing a bottle of wine as sun sets rather than it setting in your world yesterday as it rises in mine today.
I carry them within me, beneath my skin. Sensory experience stirs them and they awaken, pulsating thoughts rich with reminder. Eyes closing, breath stirred I tenderly hold the moment awoken beneath fluttering eyelids. Submerged inside, closed from the external I can feel them and clasp them quietly without witness. Can you see their palimpsest upon my skin? Does my history converse upon my body? Momentarily suspended the emphatic now is muted in contrast to then. Unfurling in stillness once again I am whole. They are forever lost to the present yet always carried within.
I noticed today that my inner child has curled up away from the world, my playfulness guarded with wary somber, interactions clothed in cautious mistrust, my sexuality hidden beneath plated armor. In my everyday life I have closed a part of me away dousing my usual vibrancy, cheeky wit and natural smile. Is this the result of the ending of my 2013? Or a general malaise born of frustration in my nine to five that houses, feeds and clothes but does nothing for my creative desires? I hold deep sadness in my heart an unsounded loss that I quail at, longing for something on the tip of my tongue but unable to give voice or articulacy. It rumbles disconsolately and now, as I take pause, forms shape; mortality sensed, regret pours in, glimpsed half thoughts ignored unite creating a cohesive image. I feel my age, I see life’s potential ending and know I have regret. I want greater meaning and honesty, I want a life of my own. It is time to shake my tresses free of the mundane and let my soul stretch and bathe in imaginations light.
I will start, as I always do when serious about something, with a list.
The world is changed. Look for me in the sunlight dancing on the lakes surface; feel me in the wind softly, subtly caressing your skin, taste me as the spice in the deepest of red wines. Know that I am beside you regardless of distance. We have all been betrayed. Cheated, lied to. I ache, I am lonely, I wish to be all I can. How do we express honesty? But to profess truth and hope, cleave to trust.
I, my beloved, I differ from your past. I offer truth. Does the past not feel this implication too?
A journey towards Christmas with Errant…
I offer musical suggestion for I am all out of words today. It was not pleasant yet I seek the beauty…
There is quickness in your step, an urgency, as you approach. Your eyes masked in secrets, mouth unwilling to release. My eyes catch the heated beating of your core. What do you hold so close? So hard? Eyes darting like an insect, everywhere but here, now. If I were unfamiliar I would think you calm and bright, a jewel of social etiquette, breezy, a smile to entrance. Buried is darkness, an awe of something terrible. I long to slap you. Shock you from pretense. To shout ‘It’s me! Not some inept acquaintance’. Concealed, secretive, immoral. Prying at softened edges, seeking purchase on wary ground. Constraint does not wear well. Friction surfaces coalescing in secure mask. There is no easing, no acquisition to be obtained. Loved friend sealed tight. Defiant stranger sits gazing, emptily, unseeing anxious tender heart. Disquiet curls up and worries the rafters of my mind. Later, distance and revelation parts cloud of bemusement, old friend caught in false theatrics sustaining numerous lies, impossible to contain breaking mind and spirit, rotting forgotten heart. Trust worn yet with time and willingness can be re-earned.