Freedom, joy?

the_right_place____by_michelch

Daily, I struggle in this world of narcissists and the ignorant. I am not perfect, no where near such. But it would be an absolute pleasure to hear realism expressed. When I ask you: ‘How are you doing?’ and you say; ‘yeah, I’m good”. When what you really mean is: ‘I really don’t know, things are pretty rough right now’. We are all living in some kind of fantasy… every day is exactly the same the same when we are are in reality seeking something else. But we keep behaving the same way, pushing our fear down enough to exist but not enough to become more than we are.

Trauma.

It owns us.

Freedom is not simple.

Challenge the gods within yourself and choose to believe…

but, is everything around you exactly as it seems?

Is who you see in your reflection too hard to see…

That is where we start.

Looking in the eyes we see daily.

Loving them, no matter what.

No matter what.

Love them, no matter what.

No matter what,

love them…

an example of joy in life

Words errant

image courtesy of Michel-Lag-Chavarria

Ear parcel: Gods gonna cut you down

 

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Fortitude

The Fall of Phaeton, 1596

New Year’s dawn woke me with thunder louder than I have ever heard. It roared and tore as it rippled through the sky above me. I sought sight of the storm so potent in its rage. Lightening sheeted across the world above tangling with billows bruised purple black filling every possible corner of the sky. These clouds crashed against each other full to overflowing caught between summer heat and a blast of Antarctic winter. The tension was extreme I anticipated gods and goddesses of ancient myth to burst forth in furious battle. Expectation of rain became an intense pressure within me as the atmosphere boomed above and around me. Finally after a phenomenally long period of impossible noise, gentle tears drifted from the ripe clouds slowly landing on my taut skin; soft cold kisses that gave me shivers. After further deafening rapturous thunder shattered the skies, torrents of rain cascaded drenching the world. As the weight of water released bird song returned to the heavy moist air and thunder retreated leaving only the sound of rain.

This awakening, when only a very few hours before I had lain myself to rest after gazing for hours at the unknowable vast beauty of the stars, was so impossibly perfect I was moved to tears. I lay myself to sleep again skin drenched with the scent of new rain and asked myself to dream a vision of 2014. In the last clutches of 2013 as the witching hour fast approached I had been unintentionally yet viciously reminded of what my life had been like during my marriage. A dearly loved friend was apologising to me for not having been able to empathise until now because now she has tasted what it is truly like to tangle with a pathological liar and narcissist. It sickened my stomach and deep dark knot of hatred opened within me. I was horrified for her. Then memories seeped out that I thought I had lain to rest long ago. Breathless with the stench of it I turned upon myself with a very dark view of how I was then coupled with terrible fear that I am blindly repeating the same ignorant mistakes now. I sought fantasy to escape the darkness but it was not real, it left me empty. I sought God but although belief remained the stringency and hypocrisy of religion left me cold. I sought comfort in wine although it softened the edges it ultimately returned me to fantasy. I sought a lover and although intensely beautiful it was not real it was hidden and secret causing deep bitterness and pain within me. Knowing my lover was making a life with another while experiencing my husband alternately ignoring me, raging at me, losing himself in despicable addictions, or confusing me with his disgusting and poisonous charm was more than I could bear. 

I built a life out of lies. I found deceit easy. I had everyone fooled including myself. Until the intense weight of it all crushed me and I fell into deep illness. I nearly took my own life several times. I tried to destroy everything in my world, including the love openly offered to me by people I should have trusted; my lover, my family, my friends… but it is almost impossible to trust anyone when you do not trust yourself, or love anyone when you do not love yourself. I clawed my way up from the bottom building a new holistic image of myself, a new version of my dancing self emerged. I thought now I was strong, that I was able to hold my face, unmasked, to the sun. The conversation I had with my friend reminded me that there is still some dark poison deep within me. I will extract it with fortitude, kindness, honesty and most of all by communicating. That is the ultimate difference between ancient past me and this current me poised to face 2014 I am going to talk about what I see, think and feel even if it feels as though there is no air in my lungs as I try to open my mouth. Because I have lived in a ‘dream world’ and it became a nightmare. I want to be sure that I am living feet firmly planted in the real world, comfortable in the skin I live in.

Words by errant satiety image: The Fall of Phaeton, Joseph Heintz the Elder, 1596

Delve

Burrowing deep within seeking solace and communion with my deepest self. Aching to be held like a sister and heard by one who knows me best; only to discover in this we are both lost and more than a little sad. A taste of beauty led to intoxicated obliviousness. My words honest and loving, causing inadvertent pain where it is not needed. No blame is issued. I should withdraw but my selfish longing begs me ‘no’. The sky is bright but my soul darkened. Ultimately frustrated with my inability to transform the immovable. Seeking impossible dreams, impossible answers obscure vision. Around and around swirling beneath the crashing storm tide seeking breath and clarity. Exhausted, crawling toward the consolation of solid ground unsure if I still know myself, unsure if this physical ‘she’ is real or a false version, an ‘emptiness’ with no substance, no words of comfort, no truth to offer. A day of doubt hoping tonight’s dreaming and dawns sweet light will illuminate and allow forgiveness to enter my self-inflicted quandary of truth.

“By effort and heedfulness, discipline and self-mastery, let the wise one make for himself an island which no flood can overwhelm.” Buddha

 To ‘be sure’ seems an absolute immutable idea yet is it not changeable, to some degree mercurial? Do our thoughts not evolve as we progress through time and space? In an impossible situation we must chose the path that feels most right and stay constant until the next choice presents. Doubt is a painful companion, poisonous and antithesis to unity of the self. We move through our lives encountering synchronous and serendipitous meetings. At times it feels as though we are in control and at others that we are a falling leaf caught in a whirlwind of chance. Is there an orchestration to all of this wonder and calamity? In this changeable world how can we ‘be sure’ of anything? We cleave to our piece of flotsam as we travel within the flood of humanity seeking connections to ourselves, to others that feel substantial and hope that the impossible will one day be a truth. We live in a world of paradoxes and to be content is to balance the subtlety between these paradoxes and build an island where the floodwaters cannot breach. Not to remain isolated but to remain true to the self, allowing change to occur but not being overwhelmed by external influence. Yet, sometimes despite best efforts to be a good person ‘you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t’ are the only options available.

Two musical options:

For those keen on Smashing Pumpkins or who prefer a male voice and for those more inclined to Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks female charms